


Into The Spider-House

by KeroZombie



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gwen/Miles isn't the focus but it's in there, Ham is the ultimate father and you can't change my mind, Humor, Light Angst, Noir is the entirety of the angst pretty much, Weird Fluff, all logic shall be subsumed for the purpose of pure fluff, i also warn in the notes in case you want a fully angst-free experience, it's only occasional i swear, their sleep patterns only barely make sense i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26388247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeroZombie/pseuds/KeroZombie
Summary: Peni has built the spider-fam a house in a world hidden between all their dimensions, and invited them to live in it together! A fic all about domestic fluff and the weird and wonderful mundane drama that happens when the spider-people aren't on duty. (May contain occasional light-hearted crimefighting!)
Relationships: Miles Morales & Peter B. Parker, Miles Morales/Gwen Stacy, Peni Parker & Peter Benjamin Parker, Peter B. Parker/Mary Jane Watson, Spiderfam - Relationship
Comments: 35
Kudos: 121





	1. A Home Away From Home

**Author's Note:**

> I was browsing pixiv for Spider-Verse art and came across just the most adorable comic where the whole spider-fam live together in one house. It was the most fluffy and ridiculous thing ever, and so I just knew I had to write a story using that concept! Here's a link to the art (the entire set of 50 images is simply amazing I spent ages just staring at them): https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/78960474
> 
> This is gonna be an ongoing story where I write any fluffy ideas I get based around this 'all the fam in one house' concept. I don't know exactly how frequently I'll be updating, but I'm gonna work on this when I'm taking a break from working on my Peni Parker 'Tales from the Peni-Verse' series.
> 
> There will be some Miles/Gwen in this story, but it's not gonna be the focus. Mostly it'll be on about the same level as the film until I have it properly fulfilled at some point in the story!
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

When Peni messaged Miles to say that she had a surprise for everyone, he figured it'd be big. The last time she got the gang together was to hand out her custom made interdimensional communication devices. But there was big, and then there was, well…

"You built a _house!?_ "

She smiled smugly, "An _interdimensional_ house!"

The whole gang stared dumbfounded at the young genius. Peter B was the first to break the silence.

"How can a house be interdimensional? Do you mean that we can access it from all of our dimensions?"

"No, I mean that it's between dimensions."

"But it has to be _somewhere_."

"Technically it exists inside a quantum uncertainty space. Well, that's not true, but I think that's the easiest way to explain it without getting into a whole bunch of jargon."

Ham nodded sagely, "Don't worry Peni, I understand what you're talking about."

She looked pleasantly surprised, "Really?"

"Yeah!" he replied, "It's like those handbags they sell at Barns & Oatmeal. The ones you can fit a refrigerator in."

She smirked, "I think maybe I should just show you."

Pirouetting on her heelys and facing the wall, she tapped away at her interdimensional communicator. A few seconds later a glowing hole opened up in front of her to reveal a swirling ultramarine void. She looked over her shoulder with a huge grin on her face.

"Hop in!"

Peter B wasn't keen.

"Nuh-uh, no way kid, you are _not_ -"

But before he could finish his sentence she'd been sucked into the abyss, along with her pet spider. Noir stepped forward.

"See ya on the other side, fellas."

Without even the slightest hesitation he strode through the vortex. Gwen was next.

"I don't know about you, but _I_ wanna see that house."

Ham followed soon after, till only Miles and Peter were left.

"Do you think she's got interdimensional cable in there?" Miles asked, a twinkle in his eye.

Peter sighed, "I can't stop you, can I?"

"Nope."

"I always get seasick going through these damn things."

"Do you want a bag?"

"What, to throw up in?"

Miles smirked, "I'm just saying, man."

"Get in the portal."

"You mad?"

Peter plucked a coat off the hangar by his apartment door, "Let's go."

Miles had one foot in the vortex, "What're you bringing a coat for?"

"Rule number one of being Spider-Man: be prepared for anything."

"Tch! Where was rule number one back when we were storming Alchemax?"

"Just get in the damn thing already, before I push you in!"

"Yeah, yeah, old man."

"Hey! I'll have you know I'm in my prime! My prime!"

Miles laughed himself right through that swirling nightmare and into what could only be described as an airplane bathroom. Calling it compact would be an understatement. Still, everything in the room was white and shiny, perfectly clean. As he looked around he noticed the window next to the toilet had a shutter on it that was pulled down. Miles was tempted to lift it up and see what was on the other side, but he could hear the others having a good time just beyond the bathroom door.

_Maybe just a lil' peek_ , he thought, reaching over to the shutter's handle. He gave it a gentle tug up, nudging it open ever so slightly, but he could barely see anything. He pulled again, and this time it came up about halfway. He couldn't believe his eyes.

"No way…"

Beyond the window was an ocean of darkness, peppered with a smattering of sparkling stars and glowing, multicolored rivers stretching into infinity in either direction.

"Wow."

It was breathtaking. Then Peter B fell into the room.

"Damn it!" he yelled as he tripped over the edge of the shower cubicle and smooshed Miles into the wall.

The others heard the commotion and came to the bathroom to greet them. They stared in through the open door.

"So, what do you think?" Peni asked innocently.

"I think," Miles replied, "you need a bigger bathroom."

The house was incredible. It was like one of those fancy mansions you see on those youtube videos showing off celebrity cribs. The living room, unlike the bathroom, was huge, with a big sofa, super wide screen TV, a bar, dining table and study desk hidden away in the corner. There was even a doorway to a balcony overlooking the star-studded abyss outside.

"It's not quite finished yet," Peni explained as she pulled out a tablet and changed the color of the stairs from light brown to pitch black, "but I've managed to stabilize this entire floor!"

Noir rapped his knuckles on the solid oak dining table, "Well it's a hell of a lot nicer than my place, Peni."

She paused, "About that…"

Miles took a seat next to Gwen on the sofa as Peni scooted over to Noir.

"I was thinking… maybe you guys… if you wanted to… you know, you could stay here? Maybe? On weekends or something, only if you wanted. It's probably a dumb idea-"

"It's not a dumb idea," said Peter B, going _oooh_ as he discovered the freezer was stocked with a wide variety of microwave pizzas, "it's a _crazy_ idea, but it's not a _dumb_ idea."

Noir held his chin in his hands, "Is it safe?"

Peni nodded, "Totally! Even if reality collapsed, all that would happen is you'd be sent back to your own universes."

Ham hopped onto the table, "So we'll all be living here? Together?"

"I just thought, you know, as we're all so busy. I mean, it's been so long since we last met up face-to-face… if we lived together, we could see each other every day!"

Miles frowned, "I don't know if I could do _every_ day… if the dorm manager found out I wasn't in my room-"

She grinned, "Already thought of that! All your room doors and doorbells connect to this universe. It's one-way, meaning randos can't accidentally walk into the house, but _you_ can suddenly appear in your respective rooms whenever you want! It's all automatic too, so no need to worry about complicated controls or anything."

"I thought the _communicators_ were cool," Gwen said, "but this is something else."

"So you'll do it!? You'll stay here!?"

"A little while can't hurt. Right guys?"

"You can count me in!" cheered Ham.

"Me too," added Noir.

"Me three," said Peter B.

Everyone looked at Miles.

"Sure, why not!"

And so it was decided. Everyone would move in to the interdimensional house - at least for the weekend.


	2. The Circle of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's everyone's first morning in the spider-house, and the spider-fam learn about each other's morning routines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some slight Miles/Gwen in this one, but it's very slight. Also, remember that Noir Angst tag? Yeah, you got a bit of that too. I promise it's not too heavy though (and our boi gets all the power of friendship he needs).
> 
> Also I completely fudge it with regards to their sleeping habits in this chapter. I did put thought into who might sleep at what time, but it uh... it ended up being quite wild in terms of the variety of wake-up times. It's crazy but you know what? This story is crazy. Let's fudgin' party.

It was just after 4am in the twilight zone of the interdimensional spider house, and Peter Porker was up bright and early. The house only had three bedrooms so far, so he'd offered to sleep in the master bedroom's walk-in closet. It wasn't big, but it did have a _very_ comfy pile of fluffy pillows that was just what the doctor ordered for a tired pig with an achy lumbago. His roommate for the night, Peter B, was still sound asleep in bed, snoring like a farm tractor. Porker thanked the lord that his spider powers didn't include spider _hearing_ and skipped out into the living room, where he found Peni was still awake.

"Hey Ham!" she smiled, tapping away at something only she could see.

Peter Porker, being an optimist by nature, chose to assume that she had in fact gone to bed last night.

"You're up early!"

That confused her, "Early? You mean late. _You're_ up early."

"The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, the first choice of microwave pizza."

She scratched the back of her head, "If we have any left."

"Excuse me?"

"Peter B ate a LOT of them last night."

"Oh he _did_ , did he?"

"We've still got the ones with pineapple on if you want those."

Ham scrunched up his nose in disgust, "No thanks. I think I'll just have cereal like a normal pig."

"I wasn't sure what cereal to get, so I got a bunch of everything from all your universes."

Ham walked up to the bar/dining area, "I can't see any cupboards round here. Did you change the layout overnight or something?"

Peni stopped what she was doing and pointed to a door behind the bar, "The kitchen's through there, same as last night."

"Well now I feel like a _real_ idiot."

Sure enough, behind the door was a cozy kitchen. Small for a human, but a perfect fit for a pig.

"Do you think Peter will still fit in here after all those pizzas?"

Peni laughed, "I'm gonna tell him you said that!"

The cupboards were full of cereal. Strangely, the more cereal boxes he pulled out, the more he seemed to find hidden at the back. They had Toasted Corn Flakes, Colonel Crunch, Coco Pops, Kangus (presumably named after the huge kangaroo on the box) and Chocolate UFO's.

" _They're out of this world_ , huh?"

The UFOs interested him, and most importantly they looked _sweet_ , so he grabbed a bowl and filled it up with chocolatey goodness. All he needed now was some milk. The refrigerator was much like the cupboards - no matter how much milk he took, more seemed to find its way into his line of sight.

_How much pizza did B_ **eat** _to leave only pineapple pizza behind?_

Some questions weren't meant to be answered. He took his bowl and sat at the dining table, watching Peni work her magic. Now that he was looking over her shoulder he could see what she was typing on - some kind of virtual touchscreen.

As he started digging in to his breakfast Peni paused in her typing, "Ham, that smell…"

"I'm a pig, Peni. We naturally-"

"No, silly, the cereal!"

"Oh, this? It tastes good."

"It's my favorite. It's super duper chocolatey."

"Yeah I'm getting that impression," he replied as his milk turned a warm shade of brown.

It was now considerably past 4am. Ham put his spoon down for a moment and leaned his chin in his hands.

_I can't just let Peni stay up this late, for her own sake. She's a growing girl. Sure, I used to stay up all night back before I became a pig, but that's different. Peni needs sleep. But I need to be delicate. It's not like I'm her father. Maybe Peter B could get away with being blunt, but I need to be the diplomat here. Okay, phrasing, how to phrase this. Hey Peni, I bet you'd be way more comfortable in bed! No, that's not right. Not even close. Maybe-_

Suddenly Peni stood up and stretched her little arms out towards the ceiling. Her arachnid partner, SP//dr, tiptoed up to the top of her nose and gave it a friendly nibble.

"I'm gonna go sleep with Noir now."

Ham considered making a dirty joke, but then remembered that this fanfiction isn't post-watershed and the censors would _absolutely_ axe his role and replace him with Ashton Kutcher if given the chance.

Unaware of the unspoken innuendo, his young friend ambled lazily across the room and up the stairs to Noir's bedroom.

_Well that was easy._

He wasn't sure it was fair on Noir to have someone crawl into bed with him at nearly five in the morning, but as it was Peni, Noir probably wouldn't mind.

"The big galoot couldn't be angry at her even if he tried."

With a smile on his face, he picked up his spoon again and went back to chugging on through the cereal.

"I'm gonna have to take some of this with me when I go back."

* * *

Gwen woke up for the third time that night. The sound of laughter, muffled through the bedroom wall, floated up from the living room downstairs.

_What time is it?_

Her phone said it was 4.43am.

_Great…_

She never slept well in strange beds, and this one was especially strange because she was sharing it with Miles. At first he tried to give up the room for Gwen, let her have it to herself, but then she managed to convince him that if they just kept to opposite sides of the double bed, it wouldn't be awkward.

Reality disagreed. It'd been _very_ awkward. It's not like she hadn't seen Miles in his PJs before, so why was it suddenly so different when you're sharing a bed together? She didn't have a crush on him or anything, or at least she didn't _think_ she did. She felt like a middle-schooler. Then she remembered that Miles still _was_ in middle-school.

_Now I feel weird._

When did sleeping become so complicated? At least with punching bad guys you always knew where you stood. Not that things were simple back home. Juggling school and spider things was hard enough, but she also had to deal with being the drummer for The Mary Janes… sort of, when she had time to show up to practice with her band anyway.

_Oh god, that's today, isn't it?_

Just after lunch, in fact, and she'd have to make do with the hour or so of real sleep she'd managed to claw together out of all the tossing and turning. She rolled out of bed and onto her feet, unsteady, almost falling into the wall as she shuffled across the carpet.

_Was the carpet this comfy last night?_

Her mind wandered to sleepy thoughts of curling up on the carpet and slipping away into the world of dreams. Then the sound of an electric toothbrush stirred her from her reverie.

Just across the hall was a shared bathroom. It sat squarely between the room she'd been sleeping in, and Noir's room. Noir had almost given up his bed for her too, but she figured he of _all_ people deserved a good night's rest. The tales she'd heard of his Manhattan apartment painted a grim picture. Only Peni had ever seen it in person, and only because she'd showed up uninvited.

Gwen walked through the half-open bedroom door, past a huge crack in the wall of the house (Peni did say it was still under construction) and into the needlessly small bathroom. There, standing in front of the mirror pulling a silly face at herself, was the genius who'd convinced them all to go ahead with this crazy plan.

"Gwey Gweb!" she called out through a mouthful of toothpaste, waving at Gwen's reflection in the mirror.

Gwen walked up to the sink and collected her toothbrush, "You're up early."

Peni spat out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth, "Late. I always go to bed at around sunrise on weekends. Not that we have any sunshine here."

The swirling star-soaked void undulated ominously beyond the bathroom window. Gwen started brushing.

"I was just arranging the materials for the rest of the second floor," Peni continued, "the plans are there, but you've gotta make sure all the elements agree with each other, you know?"

Gwen wanted to ask what happens if they _don't_ agree… but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

"Anyway, I'm gonna get into bed with Noir now. Have a good morning Gwen!"

Unable to fire off the dirty quip that'd sprung into her mind at Peni's unintended double entendre, Gwen simply waved as the young girl skipped away to her shared bedroom. Turning back to the mirror, and immediately regretting it upon seeing the huge bags under her eyes, she swirled the remaining toothpaste around her mouth a couple more times then spat it out. It was _minty fresh_ , but it still didn't make her any more awake.

_Sure hope Peni has some bottles of Alligatorade lying around here._

She staggered down the stairs, expecting to be the only one awake, but to her surprise she found Peter Porker sitting at the bar, munching away happily at what looked like a bowl of cereal.

"Gwennie!" he said as she entered the living room, "Gwendolyne! Gwennevere!"

"No."

"Gwanda!"

"Double no."

She looked at the kitchen entrance behind the bar. Then she looked at the sofa.

_Change of plan._

She walked over to the sofa, flopped onto its soft, cushion-y surface, and closed her eyes.

"Rough night?" asked Ham.

"Mhmm."

"You should try sleeping next to Peter B. The man's a portable airfield."

"No thanks. I'll take the sofa next time."

"Does Miles snore too?"

"Not exactly."

She listened to him crunching on the cereal. She ate so much pizza last night that she didn't expect to get hungry again till next year.

"I regret everything."

"Come on, it can't have been _that_ bad."

"I have band practice today, in like… what's the time?"

"Morning 'o clock."

"Thanks. Real helpful."

"It's almost five"

"So in about eight hours then."

"You should take a nap."

"I should."

She could already feel herself drifting off. Somehow this sofa was the best bed she'd ever slept on. So soft. So comfy… so…

…so…

…

* * *

Noir woke up to the feeling of cool air on his face and warm arms round his neck. The realization that he wasn't alone sent him into a momentary panic. He stiffened, quickly scanned the room, readied himself for a fight.

Then he saw Peni sound asleep beside him. Her small breaths tickled the half-shaven hairs sprouting out of the bottom of his chin. He relaxed. That's right, he was in the strange place Peni had made for them, the place between dimensions. Despite his best intentions he'd fallen into a deep sleep, a sleep so complete that he hadn't even noticed her enter the room. She was literally snuggled up next to him, yet he hadn't stirred even once in the night.

Her pet, SP//dr, stared at him from atop her shoulder. It twiddled its forelegs, perhaps as a way of saying good morning, then it retreated into the tangled mess of Peni's hair.

_Alright, time to get up._

He gently removed Peni's arms from his neck and slid out of bed. It was rare to see Peni so restful and still. The dim voidlight seeping in through the curtains gave her skin a pale glow in the shadowy bedroom. She looked like a porcelain doll, or an angel. Hard to believe that a girl so young could build a house out of thin air.

_The future sure is something…_

He grabbed his mask and goggles from the bedside table and pulled them over his face. It made the colors less irritating for his eyes, but mostly it just made him feel safer. It's like what people say about wristwatches - you feel naked without one.

Noir dragged on his well-worn (and mostly unwashed) clothes, opened the bedroom door and set one foot into the hallway. The house was silent. Not for the first time in his life, he found himself wishing he wore a wristwatch.

_Not that it'd tell me the time in this place anyway._

However strange the world beyond the house's walls was, the home _within_ them was truly warm and welcoming, small bathrooms aside. He adjusted his shirt and headed for the living room. Ham was sitting at the dining table next to the bar, reading a book.

"What time is it?" Noir asked gruffly.

The pig scowled at him and hissed, "Shh! Gwen's sleeping!"

"What?"

"On the couch!"

Noir looked to where Ham was pointing. Sure enough, Gwen was laid out on the couch, snoring into a (red? blue? maybe purple - he couldn't tell which) cushion. He walked behind the bar towards the kitchen door.

"I need a drink."

He heard Ham put down his book, "Beer? At this time of day?"

"No. An egg cream."

"Don't you need a machine to make those?"

"You don't need a machine if you know what you're doing."

Uninterested in explaining any further, Noir went through to the kitchen. Closing the door behind him he rifled through the cupboards and found a glass. Then he reached into his coat and pulled out a metal flask full of chocolate syrup.

"Can't beat the real thing."

He located a bottle of seltzer water and placed it down next to some freshly refrigerated milk. Then he unbottled his metal flask and poured its syrupy contents into the glass. After that he added the milk, stirring the two ingredients together till they were a warm grey color. Then finally came the soda water.

_Let's see if I can get it to foam up._

He gave the bottle a little shake, then quickly unscrewed the lid and aimed it into the glass. It powered through the syrup-milk mixture and created a bubbly white foam. As soon as the drink reached the top of the glass Noir sealed the seltzer back up again before too much could spill.

_Done._

Before enjoying his success he picked up a nearby kitchen towel and wiped down the worktop. When he was satisfied that he'd cleaned up his mess he opened the kitchen door and strode back out to the bar/dining area.

"Looks good," Ham commented, "mind making me one?"

Noir sat at the bar, "Once I've finished mine, sure."

"Take your time. It's not like I'm going anywhere."

Noir couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. Choosing not to worry about it, he rolled his mask up to just over his nose and took a sip of his cool and chocolatey beverage.

He sighed with satisfaction, "You can't beat an egg cream."

Ham winked, "But you _can_ whip it!"

"…huh?"

"Whipped cream? No? You beat an egg, whip cream, et cetera et cetera. It's a pun, Noir."

"I get it now."

"You aren't laughing."

"Takes a lot to make me laugh."

"One of these days you'll laugh at my jokes."

"I was gonna say 'when pigs fly', but…"

"Ha ha, _very_ funny."

* * *

Miles' body was primed and ready to be up on time for school. This was unfortunate, because it was a Saturday, and he'd gone to bed sometime after 1am.

"Damn it!" he said as he realized that yes, he was about as awake as awake can get. He noticed that Gwen had already got up. His phone told him it was 8am sharp.

_You gotta be kiddin' me._

But his body was dead serious, much as he wished otherwise, so he got out of bed and went to use the bathroom. Like the one downstairs, it was cramped but clean. You could say it was Peni sized, but then why only the bathrooms, why not the whole house? It's not like houses in her universe had tiny bathrooms. He'd seen her universe, the bathrooms were all perfectly normal.

_Why am I sitting here thinking about bathrooms?_

He definitely didn't get enough sleep. Nor did he, for that matter, get enough pizza last night either. Peter B and Gwen made sure of that.

_I won't lose to them next time._

The spider-gang had never had a sleepover as a team before, so Miles didn't really know what to expect when he went downstairs to the living room. He wasn't surprised to see Noir was up. He wasn't especially surprised to see _Ham_ was up. He _was_ surprised to see Gwen sleeping on the couch.

"Is Gwen okay?" he asked.

"She didn't sleep well," Noir replied.

Ham quickly explained, "It's a strange bed, after all. You know how it is."

"Ganke's kinda like that."

Noir suddenly stood up, "Alright, time for me to go."

Miles frowned, "Where to?"

"Back to my world. Crime doesn't stop just cos it's the weekend."

He marched towards the front door, the door that would take them back to their respective rooms in their own universes. Ham trotted along behind him.

"Noir, we discussed this," he said, "even Spider-Man needs a day off sometimes."

"Not me. I'll see you later. Make sure B stays out of trouble, and save me some pizza - not the pineapple kind."

"Wait!"

Noir paused.

Ham grabbed the sleeve of his coat, "You can't just run off! What am I supposed to tell Peni?"

"…Tell her that I'll be back before dinner."

Then he opened the door, and ignoring Ham's protests, strode through to his own universe.

Ham sighed, "He's as dense as an Acme anvil."

"It's cool man, don't worry. At least now he can come back _here_ when he's done, right? Better than that apartment of his."

"Much better. I think the only way this place could be improved would be to have egg cream on tap. Maybe I should suggest it to Peni."

"Tell her to do the same for Koca-Kola while you're at it."

Ham laughed, "I think I could get used to this life pretty quickly."

For the first time, it fully dawned on Miles that he was really here, living in the same house as all his spider friends. No need for secrets, no need to run around and hide. Everyone here understood who he was. He smiled.

"I dunno about you, but it already feels like home to me."

Ham patted him on the back, "Well said, brother! Now how's about we get you some breakfast?"

"Make mine pizza."

"Only got pineapple pizza left."

"I'll take it! All pizza is good pizza to me."

"I admire your bravery, kid. I'll be waiting right here with the cereal when you change your mind."

"Don't underestimate the power of my stomach."

"I wouldn't dream of it. After all, you learned from the best."

"The best?"

* * *

Peter B Parker didn't do mornings. He didn't really do afternoons, either. Nor was he especially good at evenings. But mornings, _mornings_ were the worst thing in existence. They were god's punishment to human beings for fucking up relations with his favorite son.

"I feel sick."

There was no way around it: he ate too much pizza last night.

_But it tasted so good._

He'd do it again if given the chance. He'd probably do it again tonight.

"Ugh…"

He rolled onto his side. Somehow that made the stomach pain worse. He farted. Once. Twice. He scratched his stubbled chin and it scratched him back.

_Shaving. That's the other curse god inflicted on the Earth._

He sat up in bed, expecting to see sunlight and instead seeing a dim blue glow. He'd almost forgotten he was in the crazy alternate universe house. As he stared at the blank wall he felt something niggling in the back of his mind. He probed, trying to tease out the memory, but it didn't wanna be found.

_Whatever, it can't be that important._

He went to get out of bed and caught his foot on a blanket. He fell. He thought he was about to throw his back out, but thankfully his face took all of the impact as he splatted onto the carpet.

"All the power of a spider my _ass_ … where's the spider-grace at, huh? Where's the reflexes when you need 'em?"

His bedroom door opened. It was Miles. The kid had a full view of him: face down, ass up, half-covered in blankets and fully covered in drool and sweat.

"Ever heard of knocking?"

Miles burst into laughter, "Did you just fall out bed, for real? Man, I can't believe this."

"You're not immune to middle age, Miles. Just you wait. Give it twenty years and you'll be here."

"I doubt it."

They stared at each other for a moment, then Peter B asked, "Could you help me up, actually? My hands are stuck and I don't wanna tear the blankets."

"No problem."

Miles untied his hands and tossed the blankets back onto the bed. Now he was free he looked a little less ridiculous, but not by much. See, he always slept in his underpants.

Miles pointed at them, "You wear _Iron Man_ undies? Dude, what the hell?"

"Hey, there's nothing weird about wearing a friend's merch."

"You've got his _face_ on your _crotch_ , man!"

"Miles, I thought we were _past_ homophobia. Shame on you!"

"No, what, that's-… you know that's _not_ what I'm saying!"

"Tut, tut, tut. Anyway, I need something for my stomach or I'm gonna destroy the bathroom."

"What?"

"Gotta be quick, kid. For your sake as much as mine."

At that moment Ham walked in, "Take these. They're made for elephants but… well… I think they'll be perfect for you."

Peter B took the pills out of Ham's hand, "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just insult me. Also, I need some water for these."

Miles shoved a glass of water in his face, "Got you covered!"

"Where'd you get that so fast?"

"I was drinking it before I heard you fall over, but I can just get another glass, so… go ahead."

"Fine, it'll do."

He tossed the pills into his mouth and downed the whole glass of water in one go. His stomach felt better almost immediately.

"Ahhh," he sighed with satisfaction, "Honestly? I could go for another pizza right about now."

Ham frowned, "Please don't."

Peter B pulled on some sweatpants and a t-shirt and strolled into the living room, noticing Gwen passed out on the couch. As he sat himself down at the dining table the niggling feeling came back, but he still couldn't remember what it was he was meant to do.

_I'm sure it'll come to me… eventually._

* * *

Peni awoke to the sound of screaming from downstairs.

"MARY JANE! OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT MARY JANE!"

Peni rolled onto her back. SP//dr, who had also woken up, crawled out from her hair and settled on her cheek. She still felt tired.

_What time is it?_

"MARY JANE… I NEED TO… I NEED TO HURRY I… HOLY SHIT!"

_Is that… Peter B?_

She rolled and rolled till she was at the edge of the bed, then she pushed herself upright. Suddenly she heard Gwen's voice.

"It's _what_!? Holy crap I'm gonna be late for practice! Crap crap crap crap crap!"

Peni crept out of the bedroom and peered down the stairs. Peter B was frantically pulling on his Spider-Man suit. Then Gwen burst into view.

"Hey Peni!" she said as she barged past with a hair brush in hand.

"Morning Gwen…"

She heard Ham talking, "I'm sure she'll understand, Peter."

"Ham, we _just_ started working things out again. Oh my god she must think I'm such an idiot."

"But that's why she _loves_ you!"

"Not helping!"

Peni slinked down the stairs just in time to see Peter B try to push open the pull door.

"You gotta pull it!" she called out.

He looked over his shoulder, "Thanks!"

Then he opened the door and jumped through into his home universe, leaving only her, Ham and Miles behind in the living room.

"I see you're finally up!" Ham said as he strolled over to the (now empty) sofa and picked up the remote for the ultra wide screen TV.

"Where's Noir?"

"Taking out his existential angst on unsuspecting gangsters. Speaking of which, if you could install an egg cream dispenser in the bar you'd have a new roommate for life."

Miles raised his hand, "And a Koca Kola machine too, if you don't mind. Did you sleep well?"

Peni smiled, "I slept great. Though…" she yawned, "I'm thinking I should really get to work on the fourth bedroom."

Gwen ran back down the stairs and ruffled Peni's hair, "I promise to buy you infinite candy if you do. Now I've gotta run. Bye guys!"

They all waved, "Bye!"

Then Gwen was gone. Peni joined Ham on the sofa.

"Was it wrong of me to make everyone come here?"

Ham put the TV remote down, "What's this all of a sudden?"

"Well…Gwen and Peter B both seemed pretty stressed just now."

"Well I can tell you now that Gwen will be a whole lot _less_ stressed when she's got used to the beds here (among other things). And Peter B… he's uh, well you know how he is."

Peni played with the hem of her skirt, "It's just… I wanted to have everything finished before you guys got here, but I can't seem to get the last few bedrooms to stay in place."

"What's the problem?"

She felt Miles thwomp down next to her on sofa, "Maybe we can help!"

Peni sighed, "I wish you could."

"Try me," Ham replied.

"Well the problem with this world is… it's like… it's tiny. Really it's a tiny space, but it's kind of bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. It's deliberately nonsensical, minuscule and enormous at the same time."

Miles held his chin in his hands, "Like Ham's pockets?"

"Ham's pockets?"

Ham clicked his fingers, "The kid's got a point! I can fit practically _anything_ in my pockets, no matter how big or heavy it may be!"

"Still," Peni said, staring at the floor, "how would you turn that into code?"

"Can't we try? Would it break anything?"

"I could sandbox it."

"Is that good?"

Miles answered for Peni, "If that's what I think it is, then _yes_."

Peni nodded, "It means we can test it in an isolated environment."

Ham hopped off of the sofa, "Well let's do it then! Gimme your programming doohickey."

"My tablet?"

"If that's what you're using, yes!"

"I'm not sure-"

Ham winked, "Peni, trust me. When it comes to nonsense, I'm kind of an expert."

* * *

Noir couldn't wait to get back. Though the urge to keep patrolling the grimy streets of Midtown Manhattan was strong, his desire to be back in that warm house, with his friends, was much stronger.

_I've done everything I can for now._

He didn't believe that, but he knew that what Ham said was right: everyone needed a break. _He_ needed a break. There was only so much death and misery the human mind could endure before it snapped. Sometimes he wondered if he'd already snapped, maybe he was already too far gone to be redeemed. Sometimes he wondered if he deservedto have such good friends, too. He wasn't like them. They were so naturally happy.

_They deserve to be happy._

Did he not deserve happiness? No, it's not that he didn't _deserve_ it… but he didn't _need_ it. It wasn't his _job_ to be happy. He had people to protect, a _city_ to protect. Happiness was secondary. But at the same time he knew… he knew deep down that he _did_ need it. If only he knew how to let himself feel it.

 _The important thing is that_ they're _happy. As long as they're having a good time, I can rest easy._

With that thought in mind he clicked the button on his communicator that opened the door between his apartment and the interdimensional spider-house.

In less than a second the void materialized before him. It was time to go home. He closed his eyes and stepped through.

Immediately the sound of laughter greeted his ears. When he opened his eyes he saw everyone sitting in front of the TV playing some videogame.

"Quickly Ham, smash him!" yelled Peni.

"I'm trying, but he's just too heavy!"

Peter B laughed, "That's what you get for underestimating team Bowser, piggy boy!"

"Ooooh you're gonna regret that!"

Noir took his cap off and hung it on the coat rack by the door. He thought about saying something, but didn't want to interrupt their fun. He walked over to the bar, trying to stay out of sight, when Miles called out, "Noir, you're back!"

That drew everyone's attention.

"Noir!"

Peni ran over and buried her face in his chest. Noir noticed for the first time that Mary Jane was with them.

"Evenin' fellas," he said, "Don't let me interrupt."

Peter B wasn't having any of it, "Come join us! There's plenty of space on the couch!"

Noir felt a smile creep along the corners of his mouth, "I'm no good at video games."

"Don't worry," Peter B replied, "nor is Miles."

Miles tutted, "Speak for yourself, old timer!"

"Which of us is winning right now? Oh yeah that's right, me!"

"Imma whoop your butt right off the stage, you'll see."

"Bring it!"

They unpaused the game. Peni was still holding on to Noir. He asked,

"Don't you wanna play?"

"Nah, I'm already dead anyway," she looked up at him, "Are you having a nice day?"

He thought for a moment, "I _wasn't_ … but I am now."

She hugged him tightly again, "You can come here any time, you know?"

He stroked her hair, "I intend to, as long as you'll have me."

"Don't be silly, you're always welcome! Now… do you wanna see the new egg cream dispenser I made for you?"

"You made an egg cream dispenser? Just for me?"

"Yup! Ham suggested it! I also made two new bedrooms and a swimming pool, but I can show you those later."

"You've been busy, huh?"

"Super busy! So do you want an egg cream?"

"I won't say no to an egg cream or two."

"Or three?"

"Or four."

Peni laughed, and together, hand in hand, they walked into the kitchen to dispense some tasty egg creams.


	3. Creature Comforts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ham just can't get settled in his new bedroom, so he comes down to chat with Peni

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Updates for this were always gonna be irregular but I didn't plan on it taking longer than a month! This chapter's a short one, and in general my plan is for them to be on the shorter side (makes it easier to update more regularly too). Whereas chapter 2 covered the entirety of a single day at the house all by itself, the next day at the spider house will be covered over multiple chapters, the first one being this one! Once it hits November I'm gonna be working on an xmas story, so all my other stories will update more slowly until that's done. I intend to get another chapter out for this before then, but if for some reason that doesn't happen, at least now you know what's going on!
> 
> Also, thank you for all the kudos and the subscriptions and everything :D I can't believe how much love people have shown this story. I appreciate it more than words can say <3
> 
> But yes, please enjoy this little nugget of cuteness! Writing it made me smile, and I hope reading it makes you smile too!

Ham couldn't understand why he didn't like his new bedroom. It was big, luxurious, it had a…uh… _scenic_ view of the eldritch void outside. Peni had even managed to summon a beautiful portrait of his Aunt May onto the wall above his bed. What was not to like?

Yet he didn't like it. It was somehow _too_ big. _Too_ perfect. _T_ _oo_... well, just not what he was used to. And so he found himself creeping out into the hallway, trotting along the extra-soft carpet and down the stairs to the living room where Peni was sprawled out on the sofa, messing around with her tablet. As soon as he entered the room she rolled onto her side and said:

"You're up early."

"Hey, don't steal my line."

She was right. It _was_ early for him, and he was still tired. He needed to go back to bed. He eyed up Peter B's bedroom door. Ominous snoring rumbled beyond its wooden frame.

Ham pointed at the door, "How do you work with that noise going on?"

Peni reached round and dangled a pair of headphones over the edge of the sofa.

"Of course," said Ham.

"You okay? You look tired."

He flopped down onto the sofa next to her tablet, "I _am_ tired."

The snoring continued, like the steady hum of a boiler or the roar of a plane engine as heard from the passenger seat. Somehow it was almost comforting. Ham found his eyes beginning to droop. Come to think of it, the interdimensional house wasreally, really quiet once everyone was in bed.

Peni scooted up next to him, "I'm playing Frustrated Marmosets."

"Frustrated _what_?"

"Marmosets."

"Those are the little monkeys, right?" he peered over at her tablet, "Oh my god they're adorable!"

"And frustrated!"

"What's got 'em so riled up?"

"Human civilization."

"Oof, sounds kinda heavy."

"Nah, it's just a random puzzle game. You wanna try?"

Ham felt like he was gonna pass out at any moment. He knew that refusing was the logical thing to do, but when he saw Peni beaming at him so innocently and with such excitement, he did what any sane person would and said:

"Sure, why not!"

She handed the tablet over to him. He was confronted with an army of marmosets all bearing down on what looked like a skyscraper.

"Okay, so what do I do with all these marmosets?"

Peni pointed at the skyscraper, "You have to take out all the employees inside."

"Take 'em out, huh."

"You tie 'em up and stuff 'em in the basement."

"You weren't kidding when you said these marmosets were frustrated."

"Yep! They're real angry!"

"But why?" he said as he sent his primate army into the building, "What did these people do to inspire such frustration?"

"You're thinking about it too deeply."

"You ever met a marmoset?"

"I've seen them on the internet. They're extinct in my universe."

"Well they're definitely not the kinda people to throw someone into a basement," he said as he threw a particularly large employee into the basement.

"If you stack that office lady on top of the computer you can get more points."

Ham laughed, "I'll give you one thing, Peni: this is easier than working for J. Jonah Jackal."

"Does he throw people in the basement?"

"Worse. He withholds their pay."

Ham's eyes were burning. He should've known better than to play games while he was sleep-deprived. He needed a break.

"How about _you_ play, Peni?" he said, handing the tablet over to her.

"You haven't even seenstage two yet!"

He patted her on the shoulder, "Well, why don't you show me? Let me see how a pro does it."

She smirked, "I wouldn't say I was a _pro_ , but…"

"Yeah, yeah."

He leaned his head on her shoulder as she began to round up all the office workers and stack them neatly in the basement. In a feat of gravity-defying wizardry the child genius managed to squeeze a filing cabinet in between a coffee cup and a fax machine, all balanced on top of one unfortunate janitor's head.

Ham closed his eyes and listened to the little taps of Peni's small fingers on the smooth screen. In the background Peter B continued to snore away.

 _That's right_ , Ham thought as his awareness of his surroundings began to grow fuzzy and dim, _I never get a silent night back home. Between the cows and the birds and that one really loud hippopotamus, there's always something going on outside. No wonder I… I…_

"Oh, you're awake?"

Peni's voice.

"Huh?" Ham mumbled, rubbing his eyes, "Of course I'm awake, silly."

His head was leaning on something soft, and his tiny porcine body was enveloped in warmth. He looked down and realized that warmth was Peni's arms.

"What the heck?"

He was sitting on Peni's lap.

"You fell asleep," she explained, "and my arm was getting numb."

"How long was I out for?"

"Well, my legs are numb now too."

"That long, huh?"

"More like fifteen, twenty minutes."

Ham hopped off of Peni and nearly tumbled onto his butt as his sense of balance fell back into position.

"Boy oh boy," he said with a shake of his head, "I'd think I'd better go to bed."

Peni yawned, "Me too, but first I gotta beat this boss stage."

She picked a can of soda up off the floor and chugged it down.

Ham frowned, "You shouldn't have so much sugar before bed, kiddo."

"I'll be fiiiine! I do this every weekend."

"If you say so."

"I do say so, now go to bed before I have to set SP//dr on you!"

On cue, her pet spider leapt across her arm and hissed menacingly at him.

"Just you try it, buddy," Porker joked as he walked towards Peter B's bedroom door, "I used to be a spider myself!"

"Ham, that's the wrong way!" Peni called out.

"No, Peni, this is exactly where I wanna be. Now if you'll excuse me!"

He inched the door open and slid inside. Peter B was still sound asleep, snoring like a construction site. The walk-in closet was waiting off to the side, the door open just a little, inviting Ham in. He accepted the invitation with open arms. It was just as he left it yesterday - Peter B clearly hadn't felt the need for a change of clothes. He crept in and closed the door behind him. Now the snoring was a dull rumble once again.

_That's more like it._

He trotted over to his pile of pillows and sank into cushion-y bliss.

"Dreamland, here I come."

Ham closed his eyes, curled up in a little ball, and fell sound asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading :)


	4. Fluid Movement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noir attempts to enjoy the new pool with the other spiders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took longer to get round to this than I anticipated! There'll be another chapter of this before the month is over if I'm fast enough, but then from December there won't be any more till January 2021 while I work on a particular xmas story! Hope you're all having a great holiday season :) thank you for reading, and for all your comments and kudos too! Also this story has 27 subscribers now!? Sorry to have kept you all waiting! I can't believe so many people are reading this! It's an amazing feeling, so I hope this fanfic can bring you even a little bit of the joy all your support brings me!! This chapter in particular was a lot of fun to write :D
> 
> ALSO: There's a bit of angst that comes up halfway through, just so you know. I didn't intend to inject some full-on angst but whenever I write Noir it just happens lmao! I've now toned it down a bit so it should feel more fitting.

Noir stared into the watery abyss. He thought he'd acclimatised to the strange dream world they were currently living in, but he'd been naive. He should've known that every stone left unturned was an opportunity for another terrifying surprise.

"Come on Noir, what's the point of having a pool if you're not gonna use it?" Peter B called out from across the pale, rippling water.

Noir dipped a single naked toe into the depths, "Why is it…glowing?"

Peter B picked a mug up off the side of the pool and glugged down a mouthful of what appeared to be black coffee, "The same reason the sky looks angry. Just hop in! I'm fine, aren't I?"

Noir scratched his mask, "I'll wait for Miles."

"What, you don't trust me?"

The living room door slid open, "Someone say my name?"

Peter B looked over his shoulder, "Miles, tell this idiot to get in the pool already, would ya?"

Miles stood proudly on the edge of the pool, wearing only his underpants, "What's the problem, Noir? Don't wanna get in without a swimsuit?"

Noir stared into the water. His grim reflection stared back at him, "I don't trust things that glow."

"B looks alright."

He did. Waist deep and half naked, he was a picture of relaxation.

Peter B spread his arms wide, "See? The kid gets it."

"You don't need to worry Noir," Miles added, "Peni made it for us, so it has to be fine! If it were dangerous she would've said so."

_He has a point… Peni wouldn't make something dangerous… not something dangerous to **us** , anyway._

With that thought firmly in his mind, Noir pulled off his ragged pants and slowly lowered one of his feet into the pool. Miles and Peter B watched on in silence. Noir noticed.

"Fellas, you're making me nervous."

The alien liquid surrounded his exposed limb, caressing it, swirling around it and creating tiny little glowing bubbles that popped into even smaller clouds of twinkling dust. With his spider grip he clung to the wall of the pool and dipped his leg in up to the knee, keeping his other leg high in the air, away from the glowing concoction. He heard Peter B laughing.

"You've gotta be kidding me, dude."

Noir ignored him, transfixed by the sensations washing over his submerged leg.

"This feels… nice…"

"It's a pool, it's meant to feel nice."

"No," Noir replied, "This one's different. Different to the pools in my world."

Miles slid into the pool, careful to avoid splashing the eldest Peter, "He's right, B, this pool is as crazy as the rest of the stuff here."

Peter B sighed, "What, cos it glows? That's not _crazy_. You don't know what crazy is!"

"I'm serious! Peni told me. It's got some neuro-something stuff in it. Puts you in a good mood."

"Hmm, well alright, guess I shouldn't be surprised. Speaking of, where _is_ the little nerd?"

Noir answered his question, "Asleep."

His dry leg was still halfway in the air. Slowly he lowered it, brought it close to his body, then stuck it to the wall of the pool. With a shot of web he glued his hat to the outside of the interdimensional house, along with the rest of his clothes. He kept his mask on.

Miles swam over to him, "Finally gonna get wet?"

Noir nodded, and in a single, smooth motion leapt off the pool wall, flipped head-over-heels and dived into the water feet first. His head sunk into the glowing liquid for just a moment, then he surfaced, breathing heavily but thoroughly refreshed.

Peter B didn't seem quite so pleased.

"Thanks for spicing up my coffee."

Noir noticed that the previously black coffee now had the same ethereal sparkle as the water he was standing in.

"…Sorry."

* * *

Gwen and Ham appeared through the interdimensional portal just as Noir was passing through the living room.

"Well if it ain't tall, dark and handsome himself!" Porker greeted, "I see you've been enjoying the delights of the swimming pool."

"Much nicer than the ones in my world," he gruffly replied.

Gwen looked puzzled, "But you're still wearing your mask?"

"It's like a watch."

"But in a pool?"

"It'll dry. I didn't notice you leave through the portal. Where did you go?"

She frowned, "Got homework due tomorrow. I forgot to bring it over the first time. Ham's gonna help me."

Noir stared at the stocky cartoon pig.

"What're you giving me _that_ look for?" Ham said indignantly, "I'll have you know I can recite Sheepspeare's 'Hamlet' off by heart!"

Noir patted Gwen on the shoulder, "If he gives you any trouble, I'll be in my room."

With the sound of Gwen's soft laughter (and Ham's mock angry yelling) echoing behind him, Noir climbed the stairs to the second floor. As he reached the top he noticed the door to his room was open.

_Peni's up._

He strode in and examined the scene. The bed was unmade, tiny socks were strewn about the floor, and a pair of light grey PJs ( _I think she said they're 'cyan'_ ) were hanging off a stray chair.

_She's definitely awake._

He closed the door, sending the room into near total darkness. He removed his underwear and began to dry his nether regions off with the custom towel Peni had laid out for him by the pool. Everyone had one. His had his name on it in black letters, cursive print, not that he could read it right now.

_Is this how rich people feel? Custom towels, fancy pools… just doing whatever they want all the time?_

His soggy mask clung to his face, making his chin itch. He yanked it off and wrung the water from it, onto the floor.

"Crap…shoulda used a sink…"

He still wasn't used to the others seeing his naked face. He knew it was stupid (after all, he didn't look so different to Peter B), but the impulse to hide away was too strong to resist.

Soft footsteps tip-tapped along the hall outside his bedroom door.

_Peni._

His guess was right. She thwipped the door open and snuck inside in a flash, immediately closing it behind her. Noir whipped his towel around his lower body and ducked behind the bed.

"Why have you got the lights off?" she asked.

"You shoulda knocked, doll."

She flipped the lights on and her eyes widened in shock as she saw his maskless face, "Oh! Sorry, I-"

Noir webbed the lights off again, "Don't worry about it. Mind lookin' the other way for a second?"

He heard her turn around. He reached for his underwear, scrunched up on the floor. It was still soaking wet.

"If you need a change of clothes," Peni said in a small voice, "there's some stuff in the drawers behind you."

He felt for the handle. It was smooth and warm in his clammy hand. He pulled the drawer open and grabbed a fistful of clothes. There was much more than just underwear in there.

"How much stuff is _in_ this thing?" he asked in disbelief.

The springs on the bed creaked, her voice was closer than before, "I did some research on your outfit and reproduced it - as close as I could anyway. There's even a new mask in there."

"A new mask? I dunno, doll…"

"I didn't change anything. It's exactly the same as your current one."

"How about the rest? Change any of that?" he asked as he pulled on what felt like a pair of cotton briefs.

"No, though like I said, it's not perfect. The materials are all new, the kind of stuff they have in my universe. It's not exactly authentic."

He pulled a brand new turtleneck sweater over his head, "As long as it fits."

And it did fit. It fit perfectly, in fact. Just like she said, it was all new, totally unlike the patchwork and hole-ridden clothes he'd arrived in. Soon he was fully dressed again. He even had a new coat.

_Now for the mask._

The goggles were smooth under his gloved fingers. He lifted it to his nose.

_Even has that 'new' smell._

He hesitated. Peni shifted closer on the bed, "Everything okay?"

"Just thinkin'."

"I can quickdry your old stuff if you'd prefer that."

"You can _do_ that?"

"That'd be easier, right? I can do it right now-"

"Slow down, I didn't say that."

He ran his hand across the floor, searching for his old mask. It was by the bed, a soggy puddle. He lifted it in the air, sniffed it. It wasn't good.

_Definitely needs a wash._

All his clothes did. He scratched his chin, then he said, "Turn the light on for me, would ya?"

She flipped it on and span around to face him. In the beginning she was the last person he ever wanted to see his naked face. He worried that somehow coming into contact with his real identity would poison her, would infect her with the bleakness of his own world. But she wouldn't accept that. One day she just dragged his mask off his head without warning. He was annoyed at first. But then she told him, with tears in her eyes, 'You don't have to hide yourself from me, Noir! I accept you! I accept every part of you! So please, let me in!'

She smiled, "So you _did_ put the new clothes on after all! Are they comfy?"

Noir took his new mask and shuffled it down over his pale face, "How do I look?"

"Terrifying."

"Good."

He cracked his knuckles, then got to his feet with a groan, "Guess I better make sure the others aren't getting into trouble."

"Hold up!" Peni rolled off the bed and wrapped him in a tight hug, "Oh yeah, I did a great job on these. They're really smooth on my cheek. Smell nice, too."

"You sayin' I stink?"

"No, I'm saying you _stunk_. You should let me take care of you more. I can come collect your clothes and-"

"Not happening," he said, walking towards the bedroom door with his fresh new fedora in hand, "What kinda man would I be if I made a middle schooler do my work for me?"

Peni pouted, "I'm not just some middle schooler, Noir."

"You're right," he agreed, "you're a genius, so you shouldn't be wasting your time on a bum like me. Anyway, my stomach's growling. Figure I should make the most of your infinite supply of food while I can."

She grabbed his free hand as they strolled down the stairs, "You can come back any time, you know? It hasn't gotta be just for the weekend. I was kinda hoping that…well…"

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "Don't worry doll, I ain't going nowhere. Now…" he looked around the living room, noticing Ham and Gwen off to the side studying at a well-polished desk, "do you still have the pizza on tap?"

She nodded and replied brightly, "Absolutely! As long as Peter B hasn't eaten it all already."

Noir checked the window by the sofa, the window that overlooked the pool. The pool was empty.

"Where is he…?"

Peni looked up at him, "Hm?"

"Peter… the other Peter."

Then he heard it. Laughter. From the pantry behind the kitchen. It was muffled by the thick door but the sound was unmistakable.

_Pizza… he's eating the pizza, **again**. Gotta put the kibosh on that, pronto._

"Wait here, Peni," Noir said as he stormed off towards the pantry.

"Noir!" his pint-sized sidekick called out, but there was no time to waste. He didn't get a chance to enjoy the pizza last time. He wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.

He kicked the door open, "Alright wiseguys, get your paws off the pizza!"

Miles froze, his arms outstretched, ready to pile yet another frozen pizza box into Peter B's already overloaded hands.

B spoke first, "It's not what it looks like."

Noir reached for his gun holster, "I'm done with talking. It's about time I got a taste of that interdimensional pizza."

"Whoa!" Miles exclaimed, dropping his pizza box, "Noir, dude, what are you _doing_!? It's just some pizza, man!"

Noir pulled out his gun and pointed it at Peter B. Everyone held their breath for a moment, then Miles wheezed, "Wait, is that a _squirt gun_!?"

His cover was blown. He pulled the trigger, spraying Peter B with a stream of crystal clear water. The eldest spider coughed and spluttered as the liquid ammunition coursed into his mouth. A year's supply of frozen pizza fell to the floor. Yelling. Laughter. Miles dived for Noir, tackling him to the ground.

Peni's voice, "What's going _on_ in there!?"

Noir webbed the door shut, "Sorry doll, this is something we have to settle by ourselves, as men."

He could hear her punching the door, "Don't you give me that! I know you don't believe in any of that old-fashioned crap!"

Peter B leapt to Miles's aid, pinning Noir down, "Didn't know you had such a potty mouth, Peni!"

She growled something or other in reply, but in the chaos Noir couldn't make out what it was.

"We've got you now!" Miles grinned, taking the water pistol from his hand.

Peter B smirked, "Any last words?"

The gun was at his head, loaded with freezing water. Somewhere in the room some machine was hissing.

_Peni won't appreciate it if I let my clothes get wet again._

That was an understatement. Miles put his finger on the trigger. The hissing got louder. Now it was a whistling, like steam from a kettle. It was coming from the door. The other two hadn't noticed.

"Yeah, I got some words for ya. Two of 'em: kiss off."

Miles looked at Peter B, "Did he just swear? Is that like, the 1930s way of saying fu-"

"Just plug 'im, Miles!"

But before his new mask could be super soaked the kitchen door was brutally torn from its frame, exposing the three warring spider people to the harsh light of the interdimensional kitchen-diner. The other spiders peered through the door into the carnage. Ham was perplexed. Gwen was amused.

Peni was livid.

"Peni," Peter B began, "clearly you're annoyed, but there's a simple explanation."

Silently she reached over and plucked the water gun from Miles's hands.

"Peni?" he asked, concern in his voice.

She rested her hands on her hips and glared at each of them in turn, "I just gave Noir some new clothes. _Dry_ clothes. Clothes you were gonna make all wet and soggy for no good reason."

Miles and Peter B hung their heads in shame.

She continued, "And the pizza, again? The Dirac Freezebox is powerful but it's not _that_ powerful. You need to slow down."

"Sorry," Peter B said, "It just tastes so good!"

"But what I'm most annoyed about, more than anything else…" her mech, piloted by her spider partner, shone a grumpy emoji face into the pantry, "…is that you were gonna have a water fight without me!"

Everyone looked at her. Peter B's jaw dropped, "Huh?"

She opened fire. Peter B's face was soaked yet again. Gwen watched on in shock as B and Miles both chased Peni across the living room and out to the pool area, where she danced around the edge shooting arcs of water through the air. Noir soon followed, adjusting his hat as he strode towards the back door.

"Ham," he grunted.

"Yeah, big fella?"

He smiled, though no one could see it, "Thanks for lending me your squirt gun," then he opened the back door and immediately hurled himself into the fray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why the fuck I've gone with this thing about Noir not taking his mask off but we're here now and there's no turning back. Please forgive my utterly ridiculous headcanon xD


	5. If It Ain't Broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ice cream machine is broken, and Peni's out of the house. It's up to Gwen, Miles and Peter B to fix it. Can our three musketeers acquire dessert in time to satisfy their hungry stomachs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Thank you all for being so patient :) I had a very busy holiday season and also got a little ill (not covid, don't worry), so this got ever so slightly delayed, but now it's here! I've half-written the next chapter so that one should also be done this month, all being well! This chapter is all about Gwen, Miles and Peter B. I realized I hadn't given them nearly enough love so far, so I wanted to correct that! Thank you again for all the support. The sheer number of kudos, comments and hits on this story blows my mind. I appreciate every one of them <3

There are some things in life that you just can't prepare for.

In the pantry behind the kitchen, Gwen poked the 'on' button for Peni's futuristic ice cream maker.

"Yup, it's broken."

Peter B peered over her shoulder, "You're not pushing it hard enough."

"I'm pushing it plenty hard enough."

"Just do it again."

She did. Nothing happened.

Miles, who was watching from the sidelines, commented, "Looks pretty broken to me, B."

"Not helping, Miles."

The three musketeers stared at the alien device, which was a lurid mix of pink, green and violet. It looked like a mass of warring snakes, or a model of the human digestive system.

Gwen squinted at a little cluster of lights peeking out from behind a bulbous green orb, "There's no way I can fix this. We'll have to wait till Peni gets back."

Miles sighed, "I was really looking forward to that ice cream, too…"

"You can live without ice cream for one day, Miles."

B patted his stomach, "Maybe, but _I_ can't."

Gwen rested her hands on her hips, "Well tough luck. The ice cream maker's busted, and that's that."

"I'm telling ya, you just aren't trying hard enough."

"Fine. Show me how it's done then, genius."

"Maybe I will!"

The three of them stood there in silence for a moment, Peter's bold declaration hanging in the air like a stale fart. Gwen raised an eyebrow.

B rubbed his face, "Alright, okay, guess I gotta _actually_ do it."

He crouched down and leaned in close to the ice cream maker, so close that his nose was almost touching it. Miles placed a hand on his shoulder, "B, let's just have something else for dessert. There's infinite food here."

"No," he griped, "I don't care how futuristic this stupid thing is, an ice cream maker's an ice cream maker."

Gwen pinched the bridge of her nose, "B, come on. You have nothing to prove here."

"I just want that ice cream, damn it."

"There's gotta be more ice cream in one of the freezers."

He poked his finger into the maze of tubing, "You find me ice cream, I'll stop. Until then, let me do my job in peace."

Gwen rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Come on Miles, let's find something else to eat."

The younger spiders skirted around Peter B and began rummaging through the many freezers and cupboards in the cavernous pantry. There was jello, sponge cake, heaps of chocolate bars, Japanese sugar candy, gummy bears, gummy _humans_ , marshmallows, yogurts, cartons of pre-chopped tropical fruit, freeze pops and popsicles, chocolate mousse, mousse cake, whipped cream and even flavored ice cubes - just about every dessert you could imagine.

But no ice cream.

Miles scratched the back of his head, "Does Peni not like ice cream?"

"Are you kidding me? She'll eat anything with enough sugar in it. We must be missing something."

Round the corner, Peter B mumbled and grumbled as he tried to get the ice cream maker to work. He had a screwdriver with him now.

 _Come to think of it,_ Gwen pondered, _I don't think I've ever seen anyone use that ice cream maker before._

There was a lot of tech in the house that she didn't understand, but that comes with the territory when you're living in a liminal space suspended between dimensions. The ice cream maker was just one of many strange devices littering the otherwise normal-looking house. Fixing it by themselves was an impossible task - an impossible task that Peter B was determined to carry out. She knew that he didn't have a clue what he was doing, but she _also_ knew that letting him distract himself would make the dessert-finding process more efficient for _everyone_.

_Where are you hiding the ice cream, Peni?_

She knew one thing for certain: it wasn't in the pantry.

Miles tugged on her arm, "Gwen, looking at all those desserts has got me kinda hungry… maybe we should take some stuff with us. You know… for science."

Gwen couldn't have agreed more. They grabbed a handful of gummy bears and chocolate bars and wandered out past Peter B into the kitchen/dining area, letting the door slowly swing closed behind them. The living room stretched out in warm beige, quiet and sleepy like an empty museum under the ceiling lights. Beyond the window on the other side of the room the ultramarine sky swirled in its strange dance. There was a stillness in the air, disturbed only by the soft purr of Ham's cartoonish snoring. He had no idea that he snored as much as B did, and Gwen didn't have the heart to tell him. Well, she _did_ , but she was saving it for the perfect moment. Good comebacks don't grow on trees, you know?

Miles bit off a huge chunk of chocolate and began crunching it down between his teeth. Gwen got on with examining the kitchen. She checked under the counters, in the many drawers and cupboards. She double-checked that the dishwasher didn't have any unexplained buttons, made sure the grill and 'emergency oven' (as Peni called it) weren't secretly harboring frozen food caches. She pored over every inch of every surface, but couldn't find a single thing to indicate the presence of ice cream. She was starting to get fed up. Then from the pantry came an almighty yell.

"DAMN IT!"

Miles froze mid-chomp, a shard of chocolate suspended between his lips. Gwen called out, "B?"

"I'm fine! You found the ice cream yet?"

"No."

B mumbled a complaint, too quiet for Gwen to hear properly. Then the room fell silent again. She continued her search.

"You know," Miles said as they explored the study area nestled in the corner of the house, next to the kitchen/diner, "we could always hop into one of our universes and _buy_ some ice cream. Everyone likes Ben and Jerry's, right?"

"You mean Ted and Harry's."

"No… I-…is this like that thing with 'Viewtube'?"

Gwen allowed herself a small giggle, "Yeah, I guess it is. Probably tastes the same though."

The desk was clean. No ice cream, no hidden freezers. It did have a hidden touchscreen interface which said, in all caps, 'DO NOT TOUCH', but that was different.

_Really tempted to touch it._

She resisted, and sealed it back up in its secret compartment. Miles noticed.

"Uhh… are we gonna talk about that just now?"

Gwen rapped her knuckles on the desk, checking to make sure there were no hidden areas that were sound activated, "Nope."

"I don't understand this house. At _all_."

_There's no way we're finding any ice cream around here. Not at this rate._

They started heading up the stairs.

"So Miles, this ice cream idea… you got the money for it?"

Miles scrunched his face up a little as he wracked his brain, "I think so."

"Me too. Guess that means we can pick which universe we visit."

"Well," he said as they approached the second floor, "I told my parents I was at Ganke's, so…"

Gwen felt a weight in the pit of her stomach, "Mine it is, then."

"That all good with your dad?"

"Yeah, he knows. He's cool with it."

She reached the top of the staircase. The door to the bathroom was open. Gwen caught a glimpse of her hair in the mirror. It needed cutting.

Miles strolled up beside her, "Wish my parents knew."

"Can't tell them?"

He shook his head, "Not yet. Someday maybe."

She gave him a gentle knock on the shoulder, "It'll all work out, don't worry. Your parents sound like good people."

"It's cool. At least I got you guys, right?"

Gwen smiled, "Always."

"Been too long since I last saw your universe anyway."

She bit her lip, "It's not that great of a universe."

"Hey," Miles replied, pointing a finger in her direction, "it's got you in it. That's good enough for me."

* * *

"Why are we taking the subway again?" Miles asked as they boarded the R Broadway Local from 71st Avenue subway station.

"Because," Gwen whispered, though the train carriage was nearly empty, "Spider-Woman isn't exactly _liked_ by New York. I'm not like you and Peter."

He winced, "Sorry, I forgot-"

"No, it's fine. Anyway, the Ted and Harry's isn't far once we get off, so it won't take that long. Might even be faster than using webs."

There was a momentary silence, then-

"When you say the Ted and Harry's, you mean like, at a grocery store?"

Gwen scoffed, "No way! We're going to the real deal, a store dedicated solely to Ted and Harry's ice cream. They sell it by the scoop."

"By the scoop? Isn't that more expensive?"

"A little. But you get a _lot_ more ice cream. At least, _I_ do."

Miles furrowed his brows, "Friend of yours work there or somethin'?"

"Friend of my dad's, actually," she replied with a smirk.

Miles leaned back in the ragged train chair, "Friend of your dad's… that's pretty sweet. You had it all figured out from the start, huh?"

Gwen tapped the side of her nose, "Not just a pretty face."

 _That_ got his heart pumping.

_A pretty face… you definitely got that, Gwen._

Miles stared at the shadows rumbling by outside the narrow carriage window. His heart refused to stop attacking his ribcage. He ignored it.

"D'you think we shoulda told B where we were going?"

"He would've only complained."

He knew she was right, but he also knew that they'd _definitely_ be getting a lecture when they got back, assuming B wasn't still struggling with Peni's ice cream maker.

_He'll forgive us once he sees the ice cream… I hope._

The train trundled on. They sat in silence as passengers gradually began to file in, station by station, till the whole carriage was full. Miles heard the automated announcer say, 'Now arriving at 57th Street-7th Avenue'. Gwen tapped him on the shoulder.

"Next stop's ours."

They got off at Times Square-42nd Street, and were met with a wall of cars. He'd almost forgotten what the streets of Manhattan looked like from ground level. He didn't even register the skyscrapers, not at first. He was too distracted by the searing glow of the digital billboards that lined every wall and street corner. When he eventually craned his neck to gaze at the backlit night sky, his eyes were instead met with the red neon of a sign that simply read, 'SUBWAY'.

_Looks a lot better in the air._

Gwen started striding off to the left.

"This way, Miles."

Past Times Tower and the Hard Rock Cafe they went, snaking through the crowds. A couple times he lost Gwen in the chaos, but his spider-sense kept him on course. When they met for the first time the sudden flare of spider-sense was like a waterfall roaring in his mind, a constant hum in his skull. But he'd got so used to it during their time together that when everyone left through the collider, when it was just him, alone…the silence that followed was deafening.

_But that's old news now._

He squeezed his way past some bald dude in a trenchcoat and caught up to Gwen, clapping her on the shoulder.

"You haven't gotta power walk _everywhere_ , you know?"

She looked surprised, "I'm not, though."

"Trust me, you are."

They turned a corner, "Don't like the crowds?"

"There's crowds and then there's _crowds_ , you know? If this was Brooklyn it'd be a different story."

"Ah! We're here," she said, pointing to a white 'Ted and Harry's' sign to their right.

Miles grinned, "This _better_ taste good. Ben and Jerry's is-"

Gwen smirked, " _Nothing_ compared to Ted and Harry's, you're right."

They strolled through a pair of red double doors. The store was empty but for two male servers standing behind a tall, glass counter. On the other side of the glass was a rainbow array of ice creams.

As they entered the store the older of the two servers, a man with snow-white hair and warm laughter lines on either side of his mouth, called out to them, "Gwen! Was wondering when you'd want your next fix."

She gave him a quiet smile, "Can't keep myself away."

"Who's your friend?"

She looked across to Miles. He blinked, "I'm-"

"Just a friend, you know, from… school," Gwen interrupted.

The old man didn't bother to hide his wry grin. Miles cleared his throat and approached the counter.

"So…Gwen…which ones do we get?"

Gwen's eyes were focused on the ocean of frozen choices laid out before them, "Well, I know what _I'm_ having."

Miles chuckled, "Glad it's so easy for you. I don't even know where to start."

"They're all good, so you can't go wrong. Unless you hate mint. Or you're allergic to nuts."

"Well I'm not allergic to nuts, but…wait-" he pointed at a vat of red, white and blue-ish grey ice cream, "What is _that_?"

The other server, who was much younger than the one Gwen knew, chimed in cheerily, "We call that one red, white and blueberry."

He shook his head at the terrible pun, "Shoulda guessed."

Gwen thumbed her chin, "Which one do you think Ham would like?"

"Ham's asleep."

"Yeah, but I'd feel bad leaving him out."

The younger server leaned an elbow on the counter, "We do sell sealed tubs here too, if that helps."

Miles asked, "In all the flavors?"

"Ah, no. I'd have to look in the back to be sure of what's in stock, but I know we have New York Super Fudge Chunk, and Vanilla."

"Just those two?"

"We _might_ have Peanut Butter Cup. _Maybe_."

Gwen stepped forward, "Fudge is good. He likes fudge."

The server smiled, "Great. Shall I get that for you now?"

"Hang on a sec," she turned to face her fellow spider-person, "Miles, which flavor do you want?"

He played with the hem of one of his sleeves, "I dunno, there's… there's just so many options."

"Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough."

"What?"

"You should get some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor ice cream."

He stared at her in confusion, "Why that one in particular?"

"Cos that's the one I want. If we both go for it, we can get an extra huge one to share. I know they'll do it for you if you ask."

Miles glanced at the older server, who gave him a mischievous wink.

_My man, you don't know what you're getting me into._

"Well, I _do_ like chocolate chip cookies. So then what are we getting Peni? And Noir?"

"They can share too."

He took a step back, "What, all four of us!?"

She grimaced, "No! What the hell? They can share the Strawberry Shortcake."

"You didn't tell me about any Strawberry Shortcake!"

She busted out her wallet, "So it's settled then. One tub of New York Super Fudge, one special super extra large Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, one Strawberry Shortcake, same size, and-"

Miles tapped his hand on the counter, "You forgot about Peter B."

She scowled at him, "I did _not_. I was about to ask you what we should get him."

"That's the thing, I don't-"

Suddenly the old man interrupted, "Phish Food."

They both stared at him, stunned, "Fish food?"

"No. _Phish_ Food. Chocolate ice cream with marshmallow and caramel swirls… and little fish-shaped fudge chunks. What's not to like?"

The spider duo looked at each other. Without saying a word they both understood: that was the perfect kind of sugar rush for Peter B.

Gwen pulled her card out of her wallet with a determined grin, "We'll take it."

* * *

He'd done it. Peter B had finally done it.

"Took long enough."

The ice cream maker was fixed. The stupid thing somehow busted its own wiring. The wire that led to the mains connector was just straight-up cut in half! Cut in half!

_Need to up your game, Peni._

The pantry floor was cold and his ass was numb. He patted his burgeoning stomach.

"God I'm hungry."

And now, finally, he could eat. He stood up with a groan, cracked his knuckles, and flipped on the power at the plug socket. The ice cream maker was ready to go.

_I'll call in the rugrats once I've had the first scoop. It's only fair, as I fixed the damn thing._

He prepared his victory speech in his head, imagining the chagrin of the younger spiders as he demonstrated that his 'boomer' capabilities were still relevant, even for tech from a thousand years in the future. He reached for the device's 'on' button, then-

"We're back!" came a chorus of voices off to the side. He looked over and saw Miles and Gwen standing there, arms loaded with what looked like… ice cream?

He frowned, "Is that Ben and Jerry's?"

"Ted and Harry's," Gwen corrected, "Don't get mad, but-"

Before she could finish, a youthful voice called out from the living room, "We're ba~ck! …guys?"

Heavy stomps thumped towards the pantry. Then the door swung open to reveal the ever-terrifying visage of Noir.

He looked over his shoulder, "Found 'em."

 _I don't care what they say_ , Peter B thought to himself, _I'm gonna be the one to have the first ice cream._

Peni bounced in like a ball of sunshine.

"Oooh!" she said, clapping her hands together in excitement, "you fixed up the soda machine! Thank you so much, B!"

"What!?" he replied, "No no, this is the ice cream maker. I wanted some-"

She grabbed a mug from the countertop, placed it under the machine's colorful nozzle, and pushed the 'on' button. Bubbly, luminescent soda poured out. She downed it in a single gulp.

"Oh yeah," she sighed, "That's the good stuff. I owe you one."

His stomach growled in disappointment, "You owe me _ice cream_."

Miles stepped forward, "About that. We actually got you some-"

Peni didn't let him finish, "Ice cream? Well that's right here, silly!"

Everyone watched as she wandered deeper into the pantry. She stood over one of the many uniformly shaped tiles, then she tapped it twice with the heel of her shoe.

"Yup," she said, "this is the one."

Without hesitating she tapped out the rhythm to 'shave and a haircut', then clapped her hands twice. By the same black magic fuckery that sustained the eldritch house they were all living in, a glowing door materialized out of thin air, right in front of the pint-sized genius. She opened it and poked her head through.

"It's all in here," she said, "Didn't I tell you before?"

B rubbed his stubbled face, "No. You didn't…"

She scratched the back of her head sheepishly, "Whoops… sorry."

_All that work… for a goddamn soda machine._

Though he had to admit, the soda _did_ look good.

"Guys!" Miles exclaimed, "None of that matters. In case you haven't noticed, the ice cream you need is right _here_."

He lifted his ice cream laden arms up slightly. At that moment in time, Peter B could've eaten every last tub all by himself.

Peni closed the magic door, her eyes wide, "Is that Ben and Jerry's?"

"Ted and Harry's," Gwen corrected again, "I hope you like Strawberry Shortcake flavor."

"Oh my god, yes please! Is that tub ALL for me!?"

Miles handed her the enormous vat of ice cream, "And Noir, if he wants any."

Noir adjusted his hat, "Won't say no to free ice cream."

Peter B sighed, the urge to laugh overpowering his deep, instinctive need to be grouchy. Of _course_ the stupid house had a secret ice cream room. Why not? I mean it had a fucking neuro-whatever pool and an anywhere door. He should've just assumed there'd be some bullshit involved.

_If Ham gives me any crap for this I swear to god-_

Suddenly Miles was in front of him, "B, this one's for you."

Before he could reply his hands were being loaded with a tub of what looked like chocolate ice cream.

"Phish Food," Miles said without any explanation.

"What!?"

"With a P-H."

"That doesn't make it any clearer."

He smiled, "Just try it."

Peter B never could resist Miles' smile, not that he'd ever let the kid know that. Without saying a word he pulled him in for a hug.

"Thanks, Miles. I'm gonna enjoy this. And then," he stepped back, "I'm gonna enjoy whatever's left of yours, too."

"Dream on, old timer. There won't _be_ any left when I'm done."

"Old timer!? Right, that's it, give me that hug back. I'm officially recalling that hug I just gave you."

Miles dashed past the others, "Gotta catch me first!"

"I've caught you once already - I'll do it again!"

But he didn't. Instead he calmly opened one of the drawers, withdrew a large spoon, and started digging in to his well-deserved (in his opinion, at least) treat.

_Dessert rushes for no one, baby._


	6. Manic Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday, and everyone has to go back to their own New Yorks and their normal lives, but Peni is determined to make the weekend last as long as it possibly can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this one took a while! It was half-finished for ages but then I ended up finished a whole bunch of other stories before getting to this one. In fact this one was half-written even before chapter 5! Sorry it took so long!
> 
> This chapter is a bit angstier than the rest, though it's not heavy, and the ending is as fluffy and happy as you'd want! It's about 6000 words long so it's another biggie like chapter 2! This is kind of the end of the first 'arc' I imagined when I thought of the premise. You'll see what I mean!
> 
> There's a teeny tiny amount of Spanish - some of which is taken straight from the official Miles Morales comics, and other bits I gleaned from some online research. There's not enough for me to go horribly wrong (I hope) but yeah, consider this my 'get out of jail free' card if I did somehow misfire :P
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Ham woke up face-down in a pile of pillows on the floor of Peter B's walk-in closet. B's snoring grumbled beyond the wood-paneled walls like an idling garbage truck.

_Monday…_

Ham reached into the back pocket of his pajamas and pulled out a calendar. Then he pulled out a match.

"What's a pig gotta do to get a light around here?"

He struck the match and checked his calendar. Sure enough, it was Monday - and that meant J. Jonah Jackal would be expecting him in the office.

_Can't hang around here too long, otherwise ole sourpuss will get his panties in a twist._

Ham flipped the light switch, which in hindsight he should've done in the first place, then picked up his shoulder bag. His work clothes and camera were safely stowed away, along with his Spider-Ham outfit.

 _I'll drop this off back home first,_ he thought as he yanked the familiar red and blue costume out of the bag and jammed it in his pocket along with his infinite supply of matches.

The living room was empty. So was the dining area. Ham dropped his bag by the sofa and settled in beside one of its plush cushions.

_Peni must've gone to bed already._

No sooner had that thought entered his mind than the door to the pantry/kitchen swung open. Tiny steps, overshadowed by loud rustling, tapped across the dining area. Ham stood up. Messy black hair peeped over the bar.

"Peni?"

She jumped in surprise. The rustling object thudded to the floor and fell silent. Peni's hair disappeared below the bar.

Ham couldn't wait any longer. He trotted off of the sofa, hopped onto a stool and peered over to see what the young genius was up to.

"You alright down there?"

Peni looked up, "I thought I'd make you breakfast! This is the time you normally wake up, right?"

Ham sat down on his stool, "Well, yes, but-"

"Good," she sighed in relief, "I've been trying to keep track but you get up so early I was worried the house wasn't comfortable or something."

He waved his hand, "Nothing wrong with the house, Peni. Getting up early is just one of those things that comes with age. That, and it helps me keep my job at the Daily Beagle."

"Does J. Jonah Jackal get up early?" she asked as she placed a bag of flour on the countertop next to a glass bowl.

"No, but he makes sure _I_ do."

Ham eyed up the ingredients in front of him as Peni crouched down once again.

_Is she… baking me something?_

She stood up carrying eggs, milk and butter.

_Definitely some bakery going on here._

"Uh, Peni-?"

She cracked an egg into the bowl, "Do you like pancakes?"

"I do, but you don't have to-"

She wagged her finger, "I want to!"

"I can have cereal. It's faster, anyway."

She poured some flour in, covering the eggs, "What's the rush?"

"Well, you know, like I said, Jonah expects me to get in at the crack of dawn. Also, don't you need baking powder in there?"

She gasped and clapped her hands to her mouth, "Oh no! I _knew_ I was forgetting something!"

"It's no big deal, kiddo, you can just-"

She ran back into the kitchen before Ham could finish his sentence. He climbed onto the bar and opened one of the drawers on the other side, looking for a whisk.

 _Even geniuses need a little help sometimes, huh,_ he thought with a smile, _well don't worry Peni, when it comes to pancakes I'm second to none._

As he whisked the eggs and flour together, it occurred to him that she still needed to add the milk. Clanks, thuds and thumps echoed ominously from beyond the kitchen door. He didn't have much time.

_I don't want her to think she messed up_ _**again** _ _._

Quickly he unscrewed the top of the milk bottle and poured some into the bowl.

_That's more like it._

Peni came back into the dining room huffing and puffing.

"Ham, what are you doing!?" she exclaimed, carrying an industrial size bag of baking powder in her slender arms, "I'm meant to be making it _for_ you!"

He patted her on the head as she stood alongside him, "Don't mind me, sweet stuff, I was just holding down the fort while you did your thing. Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Yep!"

She dropped the bag of baking powder beside Ham. It was big enough to be his father.

He whistled, "Well polish my knuckles and call me Thanos… that sure is one heck of a bag of baking powder you got there."

"Sorry," she said in a small voice, "I didn't really think when I generated it in the infinity matrix."

"Hey, it happens to the best of us," Ham replied, knowing that even if he asked what the infinity matrix was, he wouldn't understand the answer.

Peni opened the bag for him, and with the help of his round head as a handy dandy pivot, poured a little too much into the bowl.

"There!" she declared with a smile, "Now it's ready!"

Ham regretted his next words before he even spoke them, "How about the sugar?"

Peni facepalmed loud enough that it made Ham jump, "I'm so _stupid_ …! Just a minute, okay?"

She went and fetched an equally colossal bag of sugar, apologized, poured in too much (once again using Ham's head as a pivot) till finally-

"Is that it?"

"Looks good to me, Peni!"

-they had all the ingredients in the bowl mixed together into a nice, smooth batter.

"Okay," Peni said, "now I'll fry up the pancakes for you. How many do you want?"

Ham rested his hand on Peni's shoulder, "I can do the frying."

"No! I said I'd make this for you and I'm gonna do it!"

"You really don't have to, you know. It's the thought that counts."

She became flustered, "No it's, I just want to, okay? I wanna make you pancakes."

Not wanting to push her any further, Ham nodded and said, "Okay, in that case I'll have three small pancakes. Or one big one. If you do need help, though-"

She gave him a gentle poke on his snout, "I don't! Now sit your butt down on the stool and wait for me to bring the pancakes out."

The kitchen/pantry door opened, closed, and Ham was left sitting alone on his stool, staring at the twin peaks of the sugar and baking powder bags. In his normal day-to-day life he was always the first up, and last to bed. His mornings and evenings were always spent alone.

 _I could really get used to living here_ , he thought, _though I can't just leave Aunt May all by herself._

Suddenly a tremendous clatter erupted from the kitchen, followed by a frustrated groan.

"Peni?" Ham called.

"Stay there! I'm fixing it!"

Ham stayed put and strained his ears to hear what was going on behind the closed kitchen door. For a while he couldn't make out anything, then he heard a gasp, a series of clicks, and finally-

"Oh my _god_ ," Peni sighed as she shouldered the door open, "I can't believe that worked. They're a little burned, but…"

"But nothing!" Ham reassured her, "A pancake is a pancake kiddo. They always taste good."

"You haven't gotta eat them if you don't wanna."

He pulled a plastic knife and fork out of his back pocket, "Do I look like the kinda pig to say no to free food?"

Peni frowned, "I just thought they'd turn out better…"

"You're beating yourself up too much. Y'know, I was a _terrible_ cook in my school years," Ham explained as Peni placed a plate of three very small (and very burned) pancakes in front of him, "but nowadays I'm a compulsive stress baker. Time changes everything, Peni, and you've got _plenny_ of it! See what I did there? Peni, Plenny? Pun of the century right there if I do say so myself."

His terrible pun didn't do much to cheer Peni up (and he didn't blame her, it wasn't his best). She was staring off into nowhere, her face droopy and forlorn.

"These taste great," he said with a wink, even as his tastebuds told him otherwise, "It's not every day that you get your breakfast made for you."

She walked round to the other side of the bar and sat on a stool next to him, "I just… I thought… you know, as you're going home… I wanted to do something special…"

"You're talking like I'm going off to another planet or something."

"Well it _is_ another dimension."

"That you can reach any time via a magic door."

"I know, but it's not… it just seems so far away…"

Now he understood. He patted her on the head, "It's been a good weekend, Peni. I don't want it to end either, but Mondays have a way of turning up uninvited. You gotta remember though, that for every Monday there's also a corresponding Saturday and Sunday, and let's not forget Friday! Come next weekend I'll be right back here. After all, you can't beat the ambianceof a swirling void side-eyeing you while you swim in a high-tech swimming pool! The time'll fly by, just you watch."

Peni rubbed her eyes, "Wish I wasn't so sleepy."

Ham whipped some maple syrup out of his pocket and drowned one of the pancakes in it, "You should hop on into bed."

"I wanna stay up a bit longer. At least until you go."

The pancakes tasted a lot better with the syrup, "Can't get enough of my pork rind, huh?"

A hint of a smile crossed her face, "I guess not. Though I might need a break to recover from your dad jokes."

"A week won't be nearly enough. You'd need a whole sabbatical, maybe a trip to Mars and back."

Her eyes started to sparkle with mischievous glee, "I was thinking Saturn."

Ham pointed his fork at her, "I'm disappointed in you Peni. You didn't even _consider_ Neptune?"

"I _wanted_ to visit Neptune, but it's just a little too close to Uranus."

"Hah! Well you've got me there, kiddo… Oh! Looks like these pancakes have been officially demolished too."

Her face became serious again, "So you're going now?"

"Fraid so. If I don't go now Jonah might literally eat me for breakfast, and no one wants that - not even Jonah."

Ham picked up his shoulder bag and trotted over to the interdimensional door hidden away beside his and Peter B's shared bedroom. Today it was bright white, with a little golden handle. It looked completely unassuming, completely normal. If you didn't look out the window, you'd never know the house was suspended in a quantum uncertainty space or whatever the heck Peni called it.

"Well," Ham said, suddenly feeling a bit blue himself, "I'll see you next weekend Peni."

Peni looked down at him sadly, "See you…"

Ham reached for the handle, but it was just a little too high. He stretched his arm out towards it, and as if by magic the handle drifted down to his fingers. He looked over his shoulder - Peni had her tablet out.

She rubbed her eyes again, "Forgot I set it so high."

He put on his best smile, "Thanks."

The handle was cold under his pudgy fingers. He gave it a twist and the door began to smoothly swing open. Beyond the doorway swirled the deep blue vortex that would take him home.

"Here goes nothing!" he declared, and with one last wave at Peni stepped through the portal. One trotter on the cool tiles of the interdimensional house, one trotter on the creaky floorboards of his bedroom. Before he knew it the house was gone from view. He looked back; no longer was the door white. Instead it was a faded brown, old wood.

 _That's never gonna_ _ **not**_ _feel strange…_ he thought, then he began to unpack his civilian clothes.

"Time to go to work."

* * *

Miles sighed, "Time to go to school, I guess."

Then it dawned on him: he was still in the interdimensional house. It was almost 8am. The dorm manager would be coming round any minute now, knocking on doors, and he wasn't gonna be there.

" _¡Hostia PU-_ "

Suddenly his phone started ringing. He answered it.

"Mom?"

"Miles!? Are you alright?"

"Uhh, yeah?"

"You didn't message me all weekend."

He dragged his hand across his face, "Yeah, sorry about that."

"I tried to call, but I couldn't get through."

"Yeah that's uh, you know," he looked around the room, as if an answer would materialize out of the darkness, "I… forgot to charge it. I'm an idiot."

"Chiquito, you can't worry me like that!"

"I'm sorry…"

Out of the corner of his eye he saw his bedroom door inching itself open.

"Mom, I gotta go now. The dorm manager's about to show up and Ganke's still asleep. If I don't wake him up-"

"You go, baby. Just don't forget to text your momma from time to time, okay?"

"Don't worry Mom, I won't forget. I promise. Love you."

"Love you! Have a nice day at school!"

"I will."

He hung up. A gangly silhouette stood in the doorway, staring at him. It raised one of its arms.

"Miles…" came a sleepy voice.

"Peni!?"

She shuffled into his room, disappearing into the shadows, "I was wondering if you wanted to play a game or something."

He reached for his bedside lamp and turned it on. When he saw Peni he gasped.

"Peni, are you alright!?"

She was as pale as pale gets. The bags under her eyes were so dark she looked like she was cosplaying an anthropomorphic panda.

"I'm fine," she slurred, thwomping her butt down on the edge of his bed with a yawn, "Just a lil' tired."

"Just a lil', huh?"

"What time is it?" she asked, groggily looking over in his direction.

Miles checked his phone, "7:56, which means _I_ gotta get to school A.S.A.P."

Peni flopped back onto his bed, "Why does school even exist?"

"You're preaching to the choir."

"I think I have school today."

"You _think_ you do?" Miles asked as he rolled out of bed.

"Sometimes we test the mech on a Monday."

"That sounds a _lot_ better than school."

"It _is_ , cos all the tests involve," she yawned again, "blowing stuff up."

Miles pulled on a pair of navy blue socks, "Didn't take you as the 'blowing stuff up' type."

"I don't blow up people. Just… things."

He opened his dresser drawer and grabbed his balled-up school uniform, "What kinda things?"

"Target dummies, mostly. They're made of a special kind of concrete. Except strong."

"Concrete _isn't_ strong?"

"This is stronger. It's like," she spread her arms wide, "mega strong. Super duper."

"Uh-huh. Look, Peni, I appreciate the company and all, but I'mma need you to step outside for a minute while I get my school threads on."

She rolled onto her side, "D'you think Gwen's free?"

"I dunno, I mean, she must have school too, right?"

"Mmm…"

Miles stood there in the shadowy bedroom staring at Peni (who was in turn staring at the wall behind his bed) for perhaps a whole minute before he finally said, "So… do you mind just, stepping out for a minute? I gotta get my uniform on and everything."

She rubbed her eyes, "Sorry, of course, I… I'm not thinking straight."

He smiled, trying his best not to look too concerned, "Don't sweat it. Maybe get some sleep, though."

She shook her head, "Nuh-uh, not yet. I need to see everyone… gotta say goodbye to… everyone…"

And with those words she turned and shuffled back out the way she came. Miles quietly pushed his bedroom door closed, listening to make sure she wasn't about to wander back inside. Then he started getting changed.

* * *

Gwen looked into the bathroom mirror and frowned. Her grim reflection frowned back.

_Kill me now._

She picked up her toothbrush, ran it under some water, then-

"Gwen…"

She froze.

_Did my toothbrush just… speak to me?_

Eyes locked on the brush, she asked, "Hello…?"

"Gwen…"

Then she realized: the voice was coming from behind her.

"Peni? Whoa! Are you alright?"

Peni looked even worse than _she_ did.

Like a zombie her friend mumbled, "You're going to school, right?"

"Uh, yeah. Aren't you?"

She staggered forward, "It can wait."

Gwen moved to the side, out of the way of the sink, "Wanna brush your teeth?"

"Can I hug you?"

"Hug me?"

Without warning two stringy warms clamped themselves around her waist.

Peni spoke into Gwen's stomach, "Has anyone ever told you you're…squishy?"

"Is that a compliment?"

"Of course!"

Gwen stared out at the hall, searching for help, but it was empty.

"Look, Peni-"

"How about we… skip school today…"

"Yeah, _no_. I'm on thin ice already. Gotta make it work where I can. Today might be the first day ever that I turn up on time."

Peni grumbled, "Aww come on Gwen."

"Nope."

Still facing the hall, Gwen reached behind her back to grab some toothpaste. Contorting herself to her body's limit, she snatched up the tube with the tips of her fingers and squirted some onto her toothbrush.

Peni asked, "Can you take me with you?"

Gwen's mouth was too full of minty fresh 'FLUORINE PLUS' to reply.

She continued, "I can move the house. Or your school… or both, if you want."

Gwen didn't particularly want either of those.

"…I was thinking we could play a game, maybe…"

Gwen put an arm round Peni's back and spun them around. In order it was: her, then Peni, then the sink. Not ideal.

"Gool Gwahbha bgloob oudda da aahgy," she said.

"Huh?"

It was hopeless, as she'd expected. Doing her best to aim over Peni's head, Gwen took the plunge and spat out the toothpaste towards the sink. It arced in a beautiful line through the air, a sparkly cyan slop, then it splattered safely into the sink. Peni was unharmed.

"I said, you'll wanna move outta the way."

"Oh…"

She saw something flick past in the mirror. Some _one_.

"Miles!" she called out, unable to completely hide the desperation in her voice.

He backtracked, coming into view just beyond the doorway. Gwen watched him through the mirror.

"Gwen!" he said sheepishly, "I see you found Peni…"

"She found _me_."

Peni sparked into life, "Miles!"

She unlatched herself and shambled towards the new arrival. Gwen took her chance. Toothbrush still in hand she zipped past Peni and out the bathroom door.

"Gwen! Nooo!"

Gwen dashed down the hall towards her bedroom, trying hard not to look back, "Sorry Peni, I still have to put my uniform on!"

Miles chased after her, "Gwen, we need to talk!"

"I'm kinda in a hurry!"

"It's about Peni!"

Gwen slowed down, "Peni? What, you mean she's _not_ just having a sugar crash?"

"Well-"

Suddenly they heard a deep _thud_ from the other end of the hall. It was Noir, crouched in front of the bathroom with a hand on his hat.

"What's all the ruckus about?"

Peni shot into his waiting arms, "Noir!"

He held her tightly, "You weren't there when I woke up, doll. Everything alright?"

"Noir…"

Gwen looked at Miles. Miles looked at Gwen. Gwen looked at her phone.

"I've got five minutes."

Miles barged through her bedroom door, "That'll have to be enough!"

"Miles, wait! Enough for _what_?"

* * *

Noir embraced Peni as she sat on his lap. They were both snugly embedded in a couch in the corner of their shared bedroom.

Peni leaned her head against his chest, "Time goes so quickly…"

The warm light of the hall crept under the door into the shadowy bedroom. Darkness was restful. Still. Safe. Peni's shoulder rose and fell softly under his gloved hand. Her spider sat on the brim of his hat, already asleep.

She spoke into his coat, "You're not gonna go, are you?"

"Mmm…"

He _had_ to go. He had to protect the people of New York from themselves.

"Good. I knew you'd stay," she replied.

He didn't correct her. Right now she needed sleep. If the white lie got her there, then it was worth it. Still staring at the door he watched as dark beams began breaking up the hall's steady light. They got darker, bigger. Footsteps.

The door opened. Gwen and Miles with concerned faces.

"Noir," Miles whispered, "you got a minute?"

Peni didn't stir. Noir carefully slid his arms into place and lifted her up, carrying her like a princess. Her eyes flickered open.

"What's-?" she mumbled.

"Go to sleep."

Her eyes became panicked, "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He kicked the blankets back and gently laid her down on the bed. Then he tucked her in. She rolled onto her side, watching him.

"Stay…"

He crouched beside the bed silently till her eyelids slid closed once more. Finally, she was asleep. Miles and Gwen were still peering through the doorway.

"Alright," Noir said, standing up, "I'm all ears."

* * *

Peter B held the phone to his ear as he swung down 2nd Avenue in his New York.

"MJ, I'm gonna need you to pick something up for me."

The smell of 'Joe's Fresh Tortillas' graced his nose. On any other day…

"It's on the corner of Madison Avenue and 33rd Street. Near the 7-Eleven. Yeah. Well _I'd_ do it, but I'm on my way to work. Grocery store? No, they fire- I mean, I quit that one months ago."

He dipped down past a line of school buses and did a cool pose for the kids inside, almost smacking his head on a lamp post in the process.

" _Christ_ , that was close! What? Oh, nothing. No, MJ, trust me, it's not like it used to be. Robbie's in charge now, remember? It's the Bugle, but… _not_ the Bugle."

Deli after deli appeared before him, making his stomach grumble. Not even Peni's infinite pizza could satisfy his mighty hunger.

_A whole pizza for just one dollar? Maybe I could fit it in…_

And by fit it in he of course meant _in time_ , as there was no doubt in his mind that it could fit in his stomach.

"You don't need to drop it off at my apartment. Keep it at yours and I'll come get it. That's okay, right? Well I didn't _know_ you were free, but you could say my spider-sense told me."

He allowed himself a midair smirk.

"I'll be there as soon as I can after work. Thanks again MJ. You're gonna make a little genius very happy. Love you too. Bye. Love you. Bye. Byeee~"

He hung up just in time to faceplant a STOP sign. Above it, a smaller and much friendlier-looking green sign read 'E 39 St'.

"Well… at least I'm in the right place."

He snuck into a nearby alley, hidden behind a hair salon, and changed into his civilian clothes. It'd been a long time since he worked at the Bugle, but it'd been a long time since he'd done a _lot_ of things.

_Been a long time since I've been happy, too._

After the incident with the collider he'd become a new man. Thanks to his spider friends. Thanks to MJ. A few months ago he couldn't even remember what it was like to feel proud of himself. But now…

He took a deep breath, immediately regretting it as car fumes stunk up his nose. He coughed, regained his composure, and set his sights on the Daily Bugle's shiny new sign. He stepped through the automatic doors, into the old and the new alike, smiling all the way.

* * *

Peni awoke to Noir's hat on the bedside table. SP//dr was sleeping on the crown.

"Noir?"

Silence. She threw the covers off and sat upright, straining her ears for any signs of conversation from downstairs or in the hall. In her mind, she felt SP//dr stirring. Then she felt his legs dance across her forearm.

"They're gone," she said. Half to SP//dr, half to herself. His eyes twinkled in the bedroom's twilight. She stroked him gently with her little finger.

It was over. Worse, it was still Monday.

Peni took Noir's hat with her to the bathroom, hanging it on a hook by the door. As she brushed her teeth she imagined all the ways she could give it back to him.

 _I'll have to go to his universe_ , she thought, _Oscorp will have to wait._

Aunt May wouldn't be happy, but it didn't matter. It wouldn't change anything. Peni knew they needed her. She could skip for a whole week and they'd have to take her back.

 _I'll go back tomorrow… or the day after_ , she added as she rinsed her mouth out with a cup of glowing mouthwash.

She liked being 'SP//dr' (along with SP//dr the spider, in the SP//dr mech… it's complicated), but she didn't like Oscorp. She envied her friends' independence. But then again, maybe they envied _her_. They were always talking about her 'futuristic' tech.

 _It's not so bad_ , she told herself as she went downstairs, _at least Oscorp repairs my mech for free._

In her mind she saw New York in all its neon glory. The rivers of floating cars, the chasms formed by the skyscrapers, the mists way _waaay_ down below. She saw herself swinging through it, free. Nowhere to go. No one to answer to. She saw her friends beside her.

"If only…"

The door to Peter B's bedroom hung open, his bed unmade.

_B's gone too…? What time is it?_

Time for her to go home. She'd missed an entire day of school. Probably missed a calibration test. Even Uncle Ben would be back from work soon enough, and he always stayed in late at the lab.

She went into the pantry and got herself a chocolate bar. She snapped a bit off with her teeth and crunched it into tiny pieces. Sugar always made her feel better. Back in the living room she laid down on the sofa and closed her eyes.

_I did a good job with this fabric._

The cushions weren't bad either. It was almost as comfortable as her bed. The house bed, not her bed back in 3145 AD.

"Ugh, this isn't working."

She needed to distract herself. Play a game. Read a book. Make a bomb.

_A bomb…_

She walked out to the pool and materialized a gigantic sphere of explosives off in the distance. The explosion was so enormous it knocked her off her feet and shattered every window in the house, leaving only silence.

The silence hung on her like a lead blanket. The weekend was over. Truly and completely. They had lives to live, and they were living them. Without her.

_It's just five days._

"That's right," she said to herself, "it's not that big of a deal. It'll be over in no time."

The door was in front of her now, the door back to her world.

_Five days…_

She could always message them via their communication devices. She could even message them right now. She pulled out her device and-

No. It could wait. _She_ could wait. The house would still be there next weekend.

_Pull yourself together, Peni._

She brushed down her skirt, checked to see SP//dr was safely on her shoulder.

"Alright, buddy," she sighed, "Guess it's back to work for you and me."

She reached for the handle, then-

Suddenly the door swung open so hard that the doorknob clanked against the wall.

It was Mary Jane.

"Sorry I'm late!" she said with a breathless smile. Her smile faded as she looked around the room, "Is it over already?"

She was carrying something in her hands. A pink box, with a tag. But the writing was hidden. Peni was so confused she didn't know what to say.

"Why-"

The door slammed open again almost immediately, making SP//dr leap into Peni's hair in surprise.

"Yo!"

Her mouth dropped open, "Miles?"

Gwen was next through the vortex. MJ sighed in relief, "For a second there I thought I'd missed everything."

"Got held up at school," Miles explained, "But now we can get the party started."

He wrapped an arm round Peni's shoulders and ferried her to the dining table. The pink box was placed in front of her. Chairs scraped on the dining room floor. Gwen, Miles, MJ. She was surrounded. Bags of things, emptied onto the table. Party hats?

Peni's brain was having a critical error, "I…I…what? I thought-"

Miles shot her a heart-melting smile, "It's just a little thank you gift."

She stared at him, "A thank you gift?"

"You know, for making this house for us!"

MJ tapped the box, "Peter wanted to give it to you himself, but then Shocker showed up."

Peni nodded absentmindedly, "Of course…"

She eyed up the box. Gwen noticed.

"Don't you wanna see what's inside?"

She nodded again. As Gwen pushed the boxed towards her, Peni could barely contain her emotions. Her mind was a mess of every feeling you could imagine. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to cry. She knew she was probably going to end up doing both. And then there was another feeling. A thick feeling, like jello in her throat. It was starting to sink in: they were here, together. All of them. Or most of them, anyway.

Peni lifted the lid off the box and placed it on the table. She clasped her hands over her mouth as she saw what was inside: a red and blue cake with 'THANK YOU' written in white icing on top.

"It's not much," Miles began.

Peni didn't let him finish. She wrapped her arms round his neck and squeezed him into a hug, "Thank you."

"No, thank _you_."

"I call dibs on the next hug," Gwen said playfully.

"Hah!" came a voice from behind them, "I think you'll find that hug belongs to _me_ , Gwanda!"

Peni looked up just in time to see a ball of red and blue somersaulting through the air. It landed on the table in _just_ the right way to both avoid the cake _and_ knock all the cutlery onto the floor.

"Ham," Gwen scolded, "No feet on the table."

He feigned annoyance, "What are you, my mother?"

He hopped onto a chair and gave Peni a cheeky wink, "Hey kiddo."

Peni couldn't help but smile.

"You guys," she began, "I thought… I thought I wouldn't see you for-"

"For forever?" Ham interrupted, "Peni, you couldn't keep me from this place if you wanted to."

A tiny laugh escaped her lips. She let her eyes fall to the brightly colored cake. As she read the words again, something wet tickled her cheek. She realized then that she was crying.

"Whoa, hey," Miles said, "Are you alright?"

She nodded, wiping her eyes, "I'm just… so glad that we're friends."

Now Gwen and Miles were _both_ hugging her. She heard Ham's small feet patter across the table. She heard the sound of a rubber band. Cardboard unfolding. Then before she knew it a hat had been strapped to her head.

Ham held his hands up like he was framing a photo, "Yep. Now you're party ready."

That got a giggle from everyone. Peni wiped her eyes one last time, picked up the plastic knife and fork laid out for her (freshly replaced after Ham knocked the other set off), and prepared to enjoy her cake. She knew she had to go back, she knew Aunt May and Uncle Ben would be annoyed with her, but for the moment none of that mattered. She was with her friends, in their special house. And they had cake.

_You can't say no to cake._

Noir arrived shortly after they'd cut the cake up into eight pieces. Two for Peni, and one for everyone else (including MJ). B turned up a few minutes later, huffing and puffing like he'd just run a marathon.

"That is the _last_ time I help an old lady cross the street!"

Peni pretended not to notice Noir stuffing the entire slice of cake in his mouth all at once as B explained the series of unfortunate events that led to him being so late.

"…I've never _seen_ a banana peel so huge!" he said, spreading his arms wide, "So naturally I slipped on it."

Peni thought about starting on her second slice. It was mostly blue, with a tiny wedge of red and a thick line of white from the 'T' in 'THANK'. She wanted to eat it. Her mouth was watering. But another part of her wanted to save it.

_No. I don't need to save the cake. I have the hat._

The argument was so compelling that Peni immediately picked up the spare slice and bit a chunk out of its narrow corner. It was delicious. Strawberry and blueberry, with smooth cream in between. Whoever made the cake was a genius. Baking… now that's something Peni wanted to learn. If Peni could bake as well as she could weld metal, she'd never leave her house. New York would have to make do without her.

Her phone buzzed. Her personal phone, her 3145 phone. She held it under the table to hide it from the others and peeked at the message. It was Aunt May.

[Where are you? Are you alright? Call me.]

_Dang it…_

She knew it was coming. She'd left it too long already.

"Guys," she said, pushing her chair back and standing up, "I've… gotta go."

The room fell silent. Miles glanced at Gwen.

Peni continued, "Aunt May's worried about me, so."

"Ah, yes," B said, "I've been there. You better get back to her before she starts refusing to make wheat cakes for you."

Peni picked up her backpack, "Mine doesn't make wheat cakes. She cooks a mean nut roast, though."

Noir got out of his chair to join her, "I'll see you home."

Peni smirked, "The door will take me straight to my room, silly."

"Still…"

In the end they all joined her in front of the warp door. Ham handed her what was left of her slice of cake, carefully wrapped in clingfilm.

"It'll keep for a day at least," he said.

"Don't worry," she replied, "it won't last that long."

She rested her hand on the door's cold handle. The door, plain and unassuming, stared back at her. She looked over her shoulder. A sea of expectant faces watched her. She'd seen a lot of stuff in her short time as a superhero, invented things the world had never seen before, invented things even Norman Osborn hadn't imagined were possible. But making friends, especially friends as weird as she was… that was something she'd _never_ imagined.

_Until now._

She asked, "Wanna hang out next weekend?"

A chorus of 'hell yeah's and 'you bet's greeted her ears, and Peni smiled.

"I'll make sure the freezer's stocked up with plenty of pizza," she joked. Then she pulled the handle. The door slowly swung open. Before her, the vortex swirled in violent ultramarine. It was time.

With a final wave she stepped through and fell softly onto her bed, her 3145 bed, her normal bed. Beyond the window, the familiar spires of New York's skyscraper maze. SP//dr crept along her arm.

"I hope Aunt May isn't too angry."

Much to Peni's surprise, she wasn't.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how I ended up stanning Ben and Jerry's so hard in this but hey, if you're gonna stan any ice cream company, they're probably the one, right? :P


End file.
